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Antonio Brown getting released is all a part of his plan. His plan to collect unemployment. 

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The Steelers lost to the Patriots! #FuckTheSteelers

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AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY BY Mike Myers FINAL DRAFT - 5/24/96 PINK REVISION - 5/17/96 BLUE REVISION - 7/12/96 YELLOW REVISION - 7/17/96 EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOTTAGE) - NIGHT GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas. INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized conference table with six scary-looking EVIL ASSOCIATES, including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket and turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID. ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY CAT. DR. EVIL (face always unseen) Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know, my plot to high-jack nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage has failed. Again. This organization will not tolerate failure. He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and smoking. DR. EVIL Mustafa... ANGLE ON: MUSTAFA, an Arab with a red Fez. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina... ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA in a severe Salvation Army uniform. DR. EVIL I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to London. I've set a trap for Austin Powers! EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by QUINCY JONES. We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet pants walking down the street in rhythm, à la Saturday Night Fever. We pan up to reveal AUSTIN POWERS, International Man of Mystery. He's a swinger, with medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National Health Services glasses. Austin walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is that perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies. Austin, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to a MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus. Austin salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO BEAUTIFUL MOD GIRLS who are excited to see him. They all start to twist to the music, including the Bobby. FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD (PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES À LA SWEET CHARITY.) In the middle of the street, THREE MODELS wait impatiently to be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area. One wears a short-skirted Stewardess outfit. One wears a metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears a see-through Mary Quant dress. AUSTIN (taking photos) Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me baby. Smashing! We see that AUSTIN HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The model in the stewardess outfit foes on all fours. AUSTIN Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder. Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat) No. No. Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm spent. Austin throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground. AUSTIN Get these off to Fab Magazine right away. SUPERMODEL 1 Austin, you've really outdone yourself this time. AUSTIN Thanks, baby. SUPERMODEL 2 (suggestively) We could have another photo session back at my flat. AUSTIN (coyly) Oh, behave! SUPERMODEL 3 Austin, I love you! AUSTIN So many women, so little time. A gaggle of MOD GIRLS come towards the shoot site. They recognize Austin and SCREAM hysterically. MOD GIRL 1 It's Austin Powers! Austin runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's Night. EXT. CARNABY STREET Two BAD GUYS attack Austin. He JUDO CHOPS them. AUSTIN Judo chop! Judo chop! The mob of girls catches up to Austin and he runs away. EXT. PHONE BOOTH Austin's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard. EXT. GUARD STATION - LONDON - DAY Austin is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned- face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM GUARD standing at attention just outside his guard box. Austin mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up, but to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER from behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They both crack up. EXT. PHOTO BOOTH The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody inside. Austin steps out. ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP Panels 1-3 show Austin with various exotic MODELS. The fourth panel shows Austin with the QUEEN. EXT. CARNABY STREET Austin spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that says "PROTEST!" in a funky font. AUSTIN You might want to protest a bit louder next time, luv. The both laugh. 2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - AUSTIN'S PASSPORT The passport opens. We see Austin's dour photo. Then he gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips and we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been. EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY Austin flips a coin into a BLIND MAN's cup. The blind man, obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. Austin wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to knee him the balls. EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY Austin is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF SCHOOLGIRLS. After a moment, Austin returns from around the corner with a baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND. The schoolgirls pick up his trail again and he begins to run. A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a large Union Jack, pulls beside Austin. He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing off just ahead of the crowd. EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY The driver of the Jag is Austin's associate, MRS. KENSINGTON, a beautiful woman in her thirties. They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London. AUSTIN Hello, Mrs. Kensington. MRS. KENSINGTON Hello, Austin Just then, a FLASHING RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a distinctive PHONE RING. MRS. KENSINGTON That'll be Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence. The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone. ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BASIL EXPOSITION a distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence." BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, Austin. This is Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence. You're Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and you're with Agent Mrs. Kensington. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a picture phone. AUSTIN We know all that, Exposition. BASIL EXPOSITION I just wanted to be extremely clear so that everyone knows what's going on at any given time. We've just received word that Dr. Evil, the ultimate square, is planning to take over the world. AUSTIN Dr. Evil? I thought I put him in jail for good. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid not. Earlier this week, Dr. Evil escaped from Zedel Edel Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's planning a trap for you tonight at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club in Picadilly Circus here in swinging London. A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing Austin's position and the location of the club. AUSTIN Just where you'd never think to look for him. We'll be there. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Thank you. BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION (pause) Be careful. AUSTIN Thank you. (to Mrs. Kensington) Let's go, baby! EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - PICADILLY CIRCUS - NIGHT On top of one building is a three-story high BOB'S BIG BOY figure. EXT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB - NIGHT The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub. Mrs. Kensington steps out of the car, dressed in a tight leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous. INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress. MICK JAGGER Hey Austin Powers, it's me, Mick Jagger. AUSTIN Hey, Mick! MICK JAGGER Are you more satisfied now sexually, Austin? AUSTIN Well, you can't always get what you want. MICK JAGGER (thinking) "You can't always get what you want!" That's a great title for a song! I'm gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit. AUSTIN Good on ya, man. MICK JAGGER Groovy! FULL SCREEN INSERT A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want." 9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART "You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One. INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB In one corner ANDY WARHOL sits in front of his multi-colored Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the thigh of a MOD GIRL wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit. ANDY WARHOL Austin Powers? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol. AUSTIN Hey, how are you? ANDY WARHOL Hungry. AUSTIN Here, have this can of Campbell's Tomato Soup. Austin hands Andy a can of soup. ANDY WARHOL I'm going to paint this can of soup and become famous and not give you any credit for it. AUSTIN If you can become famous, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame, man. ANDY WARHOL "Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going to use that quote and not give you any credit for that, either. AUSTIN Smashing! FULL SCREEN INSERT Andy Warhol's famous Soup Can painting. INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN is giving Austin a Victoria's Cross like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forrest Gump. Behind them, are two COLDSTREAM GUARDS and the DUKE OF EDINBURGH. QUEEN Austin Powers, Britain owes you a debt of gratitude. Austin gives a cheeky look to Mrs. Kensington. QUEEN I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit? AUSTIN In the but-tocks. QUEEN That must be a sight. I'd kind of like to see that. Austin turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded bum (matching Gump's) to the queen. The queen walks away. QUEEN (laughing) Nice buttocks. In the line-up we also see FOREST GUMP. He has to pee very badly. MRS. KENSINGTON We've got to find Dr. Evil! AUSTIN Wait, I've got an idea. He PUNCHES a PRETTY MOD GIRL in the face, knocking her out cold. EVERYONE Ohhh! MRS. KENSINGTON Austin, why in God's name did you strike that woman? AUSTIN That ain't no woman! It's a man, man. It's one of Dr. Evil's assassins. Austin pulls off the mod girl's wig. She is a MALE ASSASSIN. The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet. Mrs. Kensington knocks his feet from under him. The assassin hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. Kensington kicks the knife out of his hand and Austin gets him in a head-lock from behind. AUSTIN Where's Doctor Evil? ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from his back. Austin sees Dr. Evil as he runs through a door. They give chase. INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM They enter. Dr. Evil climbs into an egg chair. AUSTIN I've got you again, Dr. Evil! The chair fills with a WHITE MIST. DR. EVIL (unseen, through mist) Not this time. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! (calling out) See you in the future, Mr. Powers! Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair. A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC FREEZING BEGINNING." MRS. KENSINGTON My God! He's freezing himself. Austin begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up and the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling. EXT. ROOF - NIGHT The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins to LIFT OFF. EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket. EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr. Bigglesworth is pressed to the window like one of those stuffed Garfields. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (shivering) I'll be back, Mr. Powers, when free love is dead, and greed and avarice once again rule the world. EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR: 16 FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM A BLIP appears on the radar screen. RADAR OPERATOR (on phone) Commander Gilmour? 17 SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER GILMOUR'S OFFICE COMMANDER GILMOUR, a distinguished man in his fifties. RADAR OPERATOR (on phone) Commander, this is Slater in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle. COMMANDER GILMOUR (on phone) Is it one of ours? RADAR OPERATOR No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its metalurg recon analysis is a standard alloy, not stealthy, not carbon- composite. (pause) It does have an odd shape, sir. COMMANDER GILMOUR What are you saying, son? RADAR OPERATOR It appears to be in the shape of Bob's Big Boy, sir. 18 SCREEN 3 - THE BOB'S BIG BOY ROCKET The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space. COMMANDER GILMOUR Oh my God, he's back. DRAMATIC STING RADAR OPERATOR In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices. COMMANDER GILMOUR Shut up. RADAR OPERATOR Should we scramble TacHQ for an intercept? COMMANDER GILMOUR What's its current position? 19 SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA On the radar screen it says "NEVADA." RADAR SCREEN It was over Nevada, but...oh my God! It's gone! COMMANDER GILMOUR Listen son, I want you to forget what you saw here tonight. RADAR OPERATOR Commander, I have to log it&emdash; COMMANDER GILMOUR That's a direct order. You didn't see a thing! He hangs up and picks up another phone. COMMANDER GILMOUR (into phone) Philips. 20 SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT PHILIPS AT HIS DESK SERGEANT PHILIPS picks up the phone. COMMANDER GILMOUR Call the President SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE COMMANDER GILMOUR Prepare the jet... 22 SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY COMMANDER GILMOUR Get my overnight bag. 23 SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG COMMANDER GILMOUR Philips, do me a favor and feed my fish. SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK A hand enters and sprinkles fish food. COMMANDER GILMOUR Not too much! The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food. COMMANDER GILMOUR I'm going to London, England. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA" INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY) Basil Exposition (now aged 30 years), Command Gilmour, and NICOLAI BORSCHEVSKY, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather gear over their uniforms. BASIL EXPOSITION As you know, gentlemen, Dr. Evil had himself frozen in 1967. Soon after, Austin Powers volunteered to have himself frozen, in the event Dr. Evil should ever return. We believe Dr. Evil has begun yet another plot to take over the world. And that, gentlemen, is why we're here. COMMAND GILMOUR Outstanding re-cap, Exposition. Command Gilmour opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes. INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing a naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man. They pass GARY COLEMAN, EVEL KNIEVAL (with cape), and VANILLA ICE, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth with a plate that reads "JOHN TRAVOLTA." BORSCHEVSKY Who is this Austin Powers? Is he a British operative? BASIL EXPOSITION No, he worked freelance, an internationally renowned swinging photographer by day and the ultimate gentlemen spy by night. Finally, they come across Austin Powers: He is naked. His hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy. FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Attention, Stage One, laser cutting beginning. Lasers begin to cut Austin out of the ice in one huge cube. FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Laser cutting complete. Stage Two, warm liquid goo phase beginning. A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO. FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Warm liquid goo phases complete. Stage Three, reanimation beginning. Austin comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform. FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Reanimation complete. Stage Four, cleansing beginning. INT. EXAMINATION AREA Technicians lead a half-asleep Austin to a screened area, where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off with a series of hot-water jets. FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Cleansing complete. Stage Five, evacuation beginning. He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened- in toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE BOWL. He PEES for a while, then a little longer. And then EVEN LONGER STILL. The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than ever. He is still PEEING. Finally, it STOPS. FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA) Evacuation com... He begins PEEING again. A little LONGER. Then in short staccato BURSTS. The it STOPS. Pause. Two DRIPS. FEMALE ANNOUNCER Evacuation... (waiting) Complete! The cryogenic state of Austin Powers is now completed. Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle à la Dr. Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors. AUSTIN (weakly) Where am I? BASIL EXPOSITION You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997. You've been cryogenically frozen for thirty years. AUSTIN (shouting) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? BASIL EXPOSITION The shouting is a temporary side- effect of the unfreezing process. AUSTIN Yes, I'm having trouble controlling&emdash; (shouting) THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! BASIL EXPOSITION You might also experience a slight fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation. Austin, this is Commander Gilmour, Strategic Command, and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence. AUSTIN Russian Intelligence? Are you mad? BASIL EXPOSITION A lot's happened since you were frozen, Austin. The cold war's over. AUSTIN Thank God. Those capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crimes against the people, hey Comrades? BASIL EXPOSITION We won, Austin. AUSTIN Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya! (to Gilmour) Nice tie. Yea capitalism! COMMANDER GILMOUR Mr. Powers, the President's very concerned. We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada. BASIL EXPOSITION It's Dr. Evil. AUSTIN When do I begin? BASIL EXPOSITION Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. Kensington. AUSTIN You mean Mrs. Kensington? BASIL EXPOSITION No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long- since retired. Ms. Kensington is her daughter. VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful, mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she wears glasses. Austin's breath is taken away. She sets down a huge stack of files. BASIL EXPOSITION Vanessa's one of our top agents. AUSTIN (out loud, to himself) My God, Vanessa's got a smashing body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? (pause) I hope I didn't say that out loud just now. There is an uncomfortable SILENCE. VANESSA Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate you to the Nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967. AUSTIN Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound. VANESSA My mother's told me all about you. AUSTIN If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me. (pause) God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum? VANESSA My mother's doing quite well, thank you very much. BASIL EXPOSITION Yes, well...Agent Kensington will get you set up. She's very dedicated. Perhaps, a little too dedicated. (aside to Austin) She's got a bit of a bug up her ass. Good luck, Austin, the world's depending on you. AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition. BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful. AUSTIN Thanks. Basil exits. INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW Austin and Vanessa wait at the window. VANESSA Let's gather your personal effects, shall we? A CLERK brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list. CLERK (reading) Danger Powers, personal effects. AUSTIN Actually, my name's Austin Powers. CLERK It says here, name Danger Powers. AUSTIN Danger's my middle name. CLERK OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas. One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump. AUSTIN (embarrassed) That's not mine. CLERK (reading) One credit card receipt for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers. AUSTIN I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine. CLERK (reading) One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers. AUSTIN I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. CLERK (reading) One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers. The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated. AUSTIN OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby. VANESSA Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward to working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. You can address me as Agent Kensington. We have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as you left it. It's waiting at Heathrow Airport. AUSTIN (excited) My jumbo jet? Smashing baby. EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY We see a plane taking off in silhouette. EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with Austin's logo on the tailpiece. INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET The inside looks like Hugh Heffner's jet&emdash; rust shag carpet, brown walls, and beads. Austin and Vanessa sit on beanbag chairs. Vanessa works on her lap top. AUSTIN Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense? VANESSA I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. I wanted to travel -- see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. It's very boring. My whole day is spent reading wedding announcements in Farsi. If I do well with this case, I finally get promoted to field operative... AUSTIN That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag? VANESSA I beg your pardon? AUSTIN I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working. VANESSA Excuse me? AUSTIN My wedding tackle. VANESSA I'm sorry? AUSTIN My meat and two veg. VANESSA Mr. Powers, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest. AUSTIN Have you ever made love to a Chigro? VANESSA A Chigro? AUSTIN You know, a Chigro&emdash; part Chinese, part Negro&emdash; Chigro. VANESSA (offended) We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore. It's considered offensive. AUSTIN That's right. You're supposed to say 'colored' now, right? (spotting the flight attendants) Here's the stewardesses! Bring on the sexy stews! The STEWARDESSES enter. They're not dressed very sexily. One of them is a man and another wears braces. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Excuse me, did you say 'stewardess'? We're called 'flight attendants' now, thank you very much. AUSTIN Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a whore, I'm a sex worker', baby. FLIGHT ATTENDANT My name is Mrs. Wilkenson. There are a few things we need to discuss. First of all, we're not wearing these. She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits. FLIGHT ATTENDANT ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 - Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'? AUSTIN Seems pretty straightforward, don't you think...listen darling, I think you're a fabulous bird. Can I get your telephone number? FLGHT ATTENDANT (mock sexy) Sure, it's easy to remember. (writing on his hand) It's 777-FILM. We have to prepare the craft for take-off now. AUSTIN Smashing! When we land I'll give you a tinkle on the telling bone. The flight attendant gives him a chilly stare and then exits. AUSTIN Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's two things I know about life: one, Americans will never take to soccer. Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses love to shag! They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa, and be honest. VANESSA Sure. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? VANESSA What? AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Randy, you know. To you, am I eros manifest? VANESSA I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. AUSTIN Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger&emdash; that's what I do, I swing. VANESSA I understand that, Mr. Powers, but let me be perfectly clear with you, perhaps to the point of being insulting. I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you. Austin is oblivious. AUSTIN What's you point, Vanessa? EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT Austin's plane. Time has passed. IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT Vanessa's lap-top BEEPS. COMPUTER VOICE You've got mail! ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's Basil Exposition. BASIL EXPOSITION Hello Austin. Hello Vanessa. This is Basil Exposition, from British Intelligence. There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think may be linked to Dr. Evil. Many of the Virtucon executives gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's the first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat rooms. AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition. BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful. Vanessa closes her lap-top. PILOT (over loudspeaker) Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our final descent into Las Vegas International Airport. Flight attendants will be coming by to collect your drinks, and I'll ask you at this time to please return to the main cabin and put your bean-bags in the upright position. Austin and Vanessa fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags. EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT We see a plane's lights landing at night. ZOOM CUT TO: INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored projections, and flashing lights, we see Austin dance crazily à la BOB FOSSE with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the Austin Powers logo body-painted on her midriff. The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy. EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves. Caesar's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of Las Vegas. GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS DR. EVIL (face again unseen) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a long time, but I'm back. It's all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. Because of a technical error, my right arm was not frozen. I was therefore by definition only partially frozen. ANGLE ON EVIL ASSOCIATE MUSTAFA. He is terrified and sweaty, eyes darting left and right. MUSTAFA But my design was perfect! Your autonomic functions were shut down, and even though your arm wasn't frozen, the aging was retarded, therefore your right arm is only slightly older than the left. DR. EVIL Can't you see I'm only half a man? Look at me, I'm a freak! He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal. MUSTAFA But Dr. Evil, all you need to do is&emdash; (holding up tennis ball) --work with this tennis ball. Squeeze it for twenty minutes a day. A few months of that and it'll be just as strong as the other arm... DR. EVIL And look what you've done to Mr. Bigglesworth! ANGLE ON MR. BIGGLESWORTH who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair around it's ears, like Dr. Evil himself. MUSTAFA We could not anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process&emdash; DR. EVIL (face unseen) Silence! ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. EVIL'S RING ON IT Dr. Evil presses a button. Mustafa's chair tips back and he falls backwards into a pit. MUSTAFA (blood-curdling scream) Ahhhhhhhhh! DR. EVIL (face unseen) Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. MUSTAFA'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY ANGLE ON: DR. EVIL FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS scar on his cheek. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, let's get down to business. More muffled SCREAMS. DR. EVIL We've got a lot of work to do. MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned. DR. EVIL (slightly distracted) Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time. MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain. DR. EVIL (very frustrated) You've all been gathered here to form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me. He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it. MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) If somebody can open the retrieval hatch down here, I could get out. See, I designed this device myself and...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you found me. Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Ow! You shot me! DR. EVIL Right. Okay. Moving on. MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) You shot me right in the arm! Why did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot. Dr. Evil waits. Nothing. DR. EVIL Let me go around the table and introduce everyone. Frau Farbissina... ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA DR. EVIL ...founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. Random Task... RANDOM TASK is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform. DR. EVIL ...a Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire. Show them what you do. He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room. DR. EVIL Thank you, Random Task. Patty O'Brien... PATTY O'BRIEN, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes. DR. EVIL ...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark? Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet. DR. EVIL A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence. PATTY O'BRIEN (heavy Irish accent) Yes, they're always after me lucky charms! Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face. PATTY O'BRIEN What? What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms. They cannot contain their LAUGHTER. PATTY O'BRIEN (angry) What? FRAU FARBISSINA (through suppressed laughter) It's a television commercial with this little cartoon Leprechaun who is a benevolent imp who is very concerned that these children will steal his lucky charms which are foodstuffs fashioned into various shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers, what have you... (pause) It's a long story. DR. EVIL Finally, I come to my number two man. His name: Number Two. NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch. DR. EVIL For thirty years, Number Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire. He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted by various miniature models. NUMBER TWO Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states. The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map. NUMBER TWO In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland. A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland. NUMBER TWO Shipping in Texas. A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates. NUMBER TWO Oil refineries in Seattle. An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle. NUMBER TWO And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories. The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago. NUMBER TWO We also own the Franklin mint, which makes decorative hand-painted theme plates for collectors. (holds up plate) Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it look like Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage and, therefore, they would have to divorce. There is an uncomfortable silence. NUMBER TWO Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced, actually. DR. EVIL People have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here. (pausing) OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom. There is another uncomfortable silence. NUMBER TWO Umm, that also has already happened. DR. EVIL Right. (pause) Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. (pause) Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom... (dramatic pause) ...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS! There is an uncomfortable pause. NUMBER TWO Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't that much money these days. DR. EVIL All right then... (dramatic pause) ...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS! There is another uncomfortable pause. NUMBER TWO Virtucon alone makes over nine billion dollars a year. DR. EVIL (pleasantly surprised) Oh, really? (slightly irritated) One-hundred billion dollars. (pause) OK, make it happen. Anything else? FRAU FARBISSINA Remember when we froze your semen, you said that if it looked like you weren't coming back to try and make you a son so that a part of you would live forever? DR. EVIL Yes. FRAU FARBISSINA Well, after a few years, we got sort of impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son. DR. EVIL My son? FRAU FARBISSINA Yes. (calling out) Scott! SCOTT EVIL walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a Kurt Cobain T-shirt. SCOTT EVIL Hi. DR. EVIL Hello, Scott. I'm your father, Dr. Evil. (emotional) I have a son! I have a son! Everyone, I have a son! (gesturing to globe) Someday, Scott, this will all be yours. SCOTT EVIL I haven't seen you my whole life and now you show up and want a relationship? I hate you! EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY Vanessa and Austin drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag. AUSTIN You've preserved my Jag! Smashing! VANESSA Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a secure cellular phone, an on-board computer, and a Global Geosynchronous Positioning Device. Oh, and finally, this. The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush, dental mirror, and cleaning tool. AUSTIN Let me guess. The floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste contains plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is the detonation device. VANESSA No, actually. I don't know how to put this really. Well, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry. AUSTIN Why? What's wrong with my teeth? EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door. INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM Vanessa carries her compact flight attendant bag and Austin takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite suitcases. AUSITN Which side of the bed do you want? VANESSA You're going to sleep on the sofa. I'd like to remind you, Mr. Powers, that the only reason we're sharing a room is to support our cover story that we're a married couple on vacation. AUSTIN So, shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? Top and tails? A whore's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father. AUSTIN (off her angry reaction) I'm just joking, Vanessa. Trying to get a rise out of you. They both laugh. VANESSA Let's unpack. HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents. All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags. AUSTIN Gor blimey, nerd alert. HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a Nehru jacket and a huge Remington shaver with huge English plug. HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel iron and a Braun blow drier. HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 Playboy and a bottle of Jurgens lotion. HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie marked "Shoes." HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and Hai Karate cologne. HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. Evil - Top Secret." HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish penis enlarger pump. Vanessa sees it. AUSTIN Hey, who put this in here? Someone's playing a prank on me! Honestly, this isn't mine. VANESSA (suffering) I'm sure. AUSTIN I think I'll give that stew a ding-a- ling. Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm. After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the handset. MOVIE PHONE VOICE (through handset) Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM! Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa. AUSTIN I got her answering machine. INT. CASINO Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak. AUSTIN I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot my x-ray glasses. VANESSA Here, use mine. AUSTIN I'm going to use a cover name. It's important that it be a generic name so that we don't draw attention to ourselves. INT. CASINO Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress with a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO. AUSTIN Do you mind if I join you? NUMBER TWO Not at all. The DEALER deals. DEALER Seventeen. Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch. NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino in their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe. It is a 4. NUMBER TWO Hit me. DEALER You have seventeen, sir. The book says not to, sir. NUMBER TWO I like to live dangerously. The dealer draws a card from the card shoe. DEALER Four. Twenty-one. Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin and Number Two. DEALER (to Austin) Eighteen. (to Number Two) Sixteen. NUMBER TWO'S POV GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the shoe and sees that the next card is a ten. NUMBER TWO I'll stay. DEALER (to Austin) Sir? Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray glasses. AUSTIN'S POV GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear, but it is completely blurry. DEALER (to Austin) Sir? VANESSA (quietly) What's wrong? AUSTIN (quietly, to Vanessa) I can't see a bloody thing. VANESSA Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're prescription X-ray glasses. I have very bad astigmatism. DEALER Sir, the table is waiting. AUSTIN (panicking) Uh, hit me. The table MURMURS. DEALER On an eighteen, sir? AUSTIN Yes, I also like to live dangerously. The dealer deals him the ten. NUMBER TWO You're very brave. AUSTIN Cards are not my bag, man. Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is Ritchie Cunningham. Vanessa is mortified. AUSTIN (indicating Vanessa) This is my wife, Enid. NUMBER TWO My name is Number Two. He extends his hand to shake. Austin extends his hand, but misses and begins to shake the bimbo's breast. There is an awkward pause. Austin takes off his glasses. VANESSA (rescuing him) Number Two? That's an unusual name. NUMBER TWO My parents were hippies. (indicating Italian woman) This is my Italian confidential secretary. ITALIAN WOMAN (Italian accent) My name is Alotta (quickly) Alotta Fagina. AUSTIN I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounds like you're saying your name is a lot of...never mind. Listen, cats, I'm going to crash. It's been a gas. NUMBER TWO Bye-bye, Mr...Cunningham? AUSTIN Peace, baby. Austin and Vanessa leave. INT. CASINO VANESSA Why did you leave so soon? AUSTIN That cat Number Two has an X-ray eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him, man. Listen, we should go back to the room, but first I have to go to the naughty chair and see a man about a dog. He heads to the rest room. INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO Number Two has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON. INT. BATHROOM - CASINO Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining stall. TEXAN Good luck, buddy. You don't buy food, you rent it. AUSTIN Too right, youth. INT. BATHROOM STALL Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks back. Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs between the wire and certain death. AUSTIN (grunting) Uh, uh! INT. TEXAN'S STALL The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about frantically. He can hear the GRUNTING. TEXAN Hey pardner, just relax, don't force it! Use some creative visualization. INT. AUSTIN'S STALL Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony. PATTY O'BRIEN (groaning) Ughhhhh... Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it hovers above the toilet bowl. AUSTIN Who does Number Two work for? INT. TEXAN'S STALL TEXAN That's right! Show that turd who's boss! INT. AUSITN'S STALL AUSTIN Who does Number Two work for? PATTY O'BRIEN (quietly, straining) Go to hell. Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien. INT. TEXAN'S STALL The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned. INT. AUSTIN'S STALL Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr. Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her address. INT. BATHROOM Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty O'Brien's dead body head-first in the toilet. TEXAN Jesus Christ, what did you eat? ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out. INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily. EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos and files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc. In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin is asleep on the couch. VANESSA (into phone) Hello Mum? INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front room. MRS. KENSINGTON (on phone) Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the flight? VANESSA (V.O.) Great. MRS. KENSINGTON How's Austin? VANESSA (V.O.) He's asleep. MRS. KENSINGTON You didn't... INT. HOTEL SUITE VANESSA Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the couch. In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view. MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I'm proud of you. VANESSA Why? MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) Because you managed to resist Austin Power's charms. Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts. VANESSA Well, God knows he tried, but I've been rather firm with him, Mummy. You didn't tell me he was so obsessed with sex. It's bizarre. MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) You can't judge him by modern standards. He's very much a product of his times. In my day he could have any woman he wanted. VANESSA What about his teeth? SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE MRS. KENSINGTON You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter. VANESSA I just don't see it. MRS. KENSINGTON Just wait. Once Austin gets you in his charms, it's impossible to get out. VANESSA Did you ever... MRS. KENSINGTON Of course not. I was married to your father. VANESSA Did you ever want to? MRS. KENSINGTON Austin is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines, sophisticated, a world-renowned photographer. Women want hin, men want to be him. He's a lover of love&emdash; every bit an International Man of Mystery. We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. Kensington WIPES off the screen. Austin re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. Vanessa holds up Austin's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera. VANESSA You didn't answer my question, Mum. MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I know. Let me just say this: Austin was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had. I will always love him. AUSTIN (V.O.) Good morning, luv, who are you on the phone with? VANESSA (to her mother) Do you want to talk to him? MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) No, it's been too long. Best to leave things alone. VANESSA (to Austin) I'm on with a friend! (to her mother) Look, I'd better go. I love you. MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I love you, Vanessa. Vanessa hangs up. Austin enters wearing an "Austin Powers" robe. AUSTIN Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you have on clean underwear. VANESSA Why? AUSTIN We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's appointment. EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS We see a black limousine pull up in front. Random Task and another BODYGUARD exit the limo and secure the area. EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES We see that the binoculars belong to Vanessa. She and Austin are on a stakeout. Austin's Jag is in the background. VANESSA A limousine has just pulled up. AUSTIN Let me see. Austin pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens attached to his vintage camera. EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV Two more BODYGUARDS leave the building and approach the limo. Number Two exits the building holding Mr. Bigglesworth, the hairless cat. He's not happy about this, and has a scratch on his cheek. FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive. EXT. BUSHES AUSTIN Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's cat. VANESSA How do you know? AUSTIN I never forget a pussy...cat. EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV Number Two hands the hairless cat through limo's window. FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive. The limousine speeds off. EXT. BUSHES VANESSA Let's go get him! AUSTIN He's too well-protected right now. VANESSA We can't just sit here, Austin. AUSTIN Let me tell you a story. There's these two bulls on top of a hill checking out some foxy cows in the meadow below. The young bull says, 'hey, why don't we run down the hill and shag us a cow?', and the wise old bull replies, 'no, why don't we walk down the hill and shag all the cows?' VANESSA I don't get it. AUSTIN Well, you know...cows, and shagging. VANESSA Unfortunately, while you told that stupid story, Dr. Evil has escaped. AUSTIN No worries, luv. We'll just give Basil a tinkle on the telling bone... He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty. AUSTIN My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly beautiful. Stay right where you are. Austin changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES. VANESSA I hate having my picture taken. AUSTIN You're crazy. The camera loves you, Vanessa. Vanessa does a few coy poses. AUSTIN Go, Vanessa, go! Vanessa lets go a little bit more. WHITE CYC Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional photo shoot, and she's loving it. Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her look, touching her hair. AUSTIN Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy. Give me some shoulder. (pause) Yes! Yes! Yes! He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods no. Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than the other. AUSTIN Show me love. Yes! (beat) Smashing! Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS à la Madonna. AUSTIN Great! Great! Smashing! (beat) Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat) No! No! Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips. (BEAT) Going in very close now. He goes in closer. AUSTIN Give me eyes. (closer) Give me cornea. (closer) Give me aqueous humour. (closer) Coming in closer. Give me retina, Vanessa. (closer) Even closer. Give me optic nerve. (beat) Love it! (beat) And...done. He throws the camera down. AUSTIN I'm spent. What say you we go out on the town? EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double- decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner. They're drinking champagne. Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding his cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point to which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it to her. AUSTIN Fancy a nibble? VANESSA I couldn't have another bite. They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them. They begin to dance. Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her. EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She graciously accepts. 64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls, etc. INT. HOTEL ROOM Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled leg straining upwards. VANESSA (O.S.) Watch out, you're on my hair! AUSTIN (O.S.) Sorry. Move your hand to the left. There you go. Gorgeous. VANESSA (O.S.) Go! Just go! We hear a SPINNING SOUND. AUSTIN (O.S.) Left hand, blue. We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing. AUSTIN Wait a tick, I forgot something in the lobby. (moving behind the couch) I know what. I'll take the stairs. Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs. AUSTIN Maybe I'll take the escalator. Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator. AUSTIN Why take the escalator when I could take a canoe? Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch. VANESSA I haven't had fun like that since college. AUSTIN I'm sorry. VANESSA Why? AUSTIN I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die. She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound. VANESSA Always wanting to have fun, that's you in a nutshell. AUSTIN No, this is me in a nutshell. Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell. AUSTIN Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind of nut has such a big nutshell? How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy. AUSTIN You're smashed, Vanessa. VANESSA I am not. AUSTIN Oh, yes you are. VANESSA I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver. They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at her. There is an awkward silence. She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away. AUSTIN I can't. You're drunk. VANESSA It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just beginning to see what my Mum was talking about. (pause) What was my mother like back in the Sixties? I'm dying to know. AUSTIN (sentimental) She was very groovy. She was so in love with your Dad. If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But, unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed. Austin hears SNORING. He looks over and sees Vanessa asleep. A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a RED LIGHT FLASHES. Austin opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE PHONE. It's Basil Exposition, on an airplane. BASIL EXPOSITION (on the picture phone) Hello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence. Thank you for confirming the link between Dr. Evil and Virtucon. Find out what part Virtucon plays in something called Project Vulcan. I'll need you and Vanessa to get on that immediately. AUSTIN Right away, Exposition. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is Vanessa, by the way? Austin looks over at Vanessa's sleeping figure. AUSTIN She's working on another lead right now. BASIL EXPOSITION Then you'll have to go it alone. Good luck. AUSTIN Thank you, Basil. BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN (knowing) Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Let me remind you that because of the unfreezing process you might experience flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation. AUSTIN Oh, yes. Thank you. BASIL EXPOSITION There's one more thing, Austin. AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful. AUSTIN Thank you. Austin looks at Alotta's Virtucon business card. INT. ALOTTA'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE Austin is in a dark penthouse suite. Austin passes a piece of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy. AUSTIN Paging Dr. Freud. He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He opens it. FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT Austin's photographing the dossier with his miniature camera/pendant. AUSTIN (photographing) Give it to me baby. Super. We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's holdings in a flow-chart fashion. AUSTIN Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under that we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie", and in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan." We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core." AUSTIN And I'm spent. The front door opens. It's Alotta. AUSTIN You seem surprised to see me. ALOTTA I thought you'd quit while you were ahead. AUSTIN What, and watch all my earnings go... (smug) Down the toilet? ALOTTA What do you want, Mr...Cunningham, was it? AUSTIN Call me Ritchie, Miss Fagina. May I call you Alotta... (pause) Please? ALOTTA You may. AUSTIN Your boss, Number Two, I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills. ALOTTA Virtucon's main interest is in cable television, but they do have a subterranean construction division, yes. How did you know? AUSTIN (smug) I didn't, baby, you just told me. ALOTTA It's for the mining industry, Mr. Cunningham. We can talk about business later. But first, let me slip into something more comfortable. AUSTIN Behave! MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by SERGIO MENDEZ AND BRAZIL 66 Alotta goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto. INT. JAPANESE BATH She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. EVIL LOGO TATTOO on her shoulder, and enters the water. ALOTTA Come in. AUSTIN I'd rather talk about Number Two. ALOTTA Don't you like girls, Mr. Cunningham? Come in, and I'll show you everything you need to know. Austin takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He goes in. Alotta produces a soapy sponge and swims over. ALOTTA May I wash you? AUSTIN Groovy. She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION. It reads "AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY." ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, PLAYBOY CLUB, ETC. SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS trousers. ALOTTA In Japan, men come first and women come second. AUSTIN Or sometimes not at all. ALOTTA Care for some saki? AUSTIN Sak-i it to me! Alotta pours them saki. Alotta unscrews the diamond in her ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink. Austin takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly woozy. ALOTTA How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham? AUSTIN Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation. A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of Austin. AUSTIN (reciting poem) 'Pardon me for being rude, It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.' ALOTTA That's very clever. Do you know any other poems? AUSTIN (reciting in a lofty tone) 'Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner fudge is made. Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!' ALOTTA (genuinely moved) Thank you, that's beautiful. To your health. AUSTIN To my health. ALOTTA Kiss me. They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP. ALOTTA Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? AUSTIN Is it about my teeth? ALOTTA Yes. AUSTIN Damn. What exactly do you do at Virtucon? ALOTTA I'll tell you all in due time, after we make love. But first, tell me another poem. AUSTIN I think it was Wordsworth who penned this little gem: 'Press the button, pull the chain, out comes a chocolate choo-choo train.' ALOTTA Oh, you're very clever. Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man. She glides over to him. INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC: The Party Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily. INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY Dr. Evil, Number Two, and Frau Farbissina sit at the large conference table. DR. EVIL Austin Powers is getting too close. He must be neutralized. Any suggestions? FRAU FARBISSINA Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl, Herr Doctor. I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers. Bring on the Fembots! MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme THREE FEMBOTS enter. They are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes and white go-go boots. DR. EVIL Breathtaking, Frau. These automated strumpets are the perfect bait for the degenerate Powers. FRAU FARBISSINA These are the latest word in android replicant technology. Lethal, efficient, brutal. And no man can resist their charms. Send in the soldiers! SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to the FEMBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the girls zombie-like. When they get within range, guns POP out of the Fembots' bras and begin FIRING, killing the guards. DR. EVIL Quite impressive. FRAU FARBISSINA Thank you, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL I like to see girls of that caliber. By caliber, I mean both the barrel size of their guns and the high quality of their character...Forget it. SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER NUMBER TWO That would be the video feed from Kreplachistan. Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS in the front of a military vehicle. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, Phase One is complete. The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two begin! Patch us through to the United Nations security secret meeting room. INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK. The CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed in ceremonial robes, etc. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil. They all look up at the SCREEN. DR. EVIL In a little while, you'll find out that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing. Well, it's in safe hands. If you want it back, you'll have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS! The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS. DR. EVIL (frustrated) Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS! The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves. UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY Gentlemen, silence! (to Dr. Evil) NOW, MR. EVIL&EMDASH; DR. EVIL (angry) Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called 'mister'. UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists. DR. EVIL Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen, you have five days to come up with one hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set off the warhead and destroy the world. UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY You can't destroy the world with a single warhead. DR. EVIL Really? So long. The screen goes BLANK. DR. EVIL (to evil associates) Gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer. (laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha. (slightly louder) Ha-ha-ha-ha. EVIL ASSOCIATES (laughing with him) Ha-ha-ha-ha. DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES (LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (louder again, and even more evil and maniacal) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (PAUSE) Ohhhh, ahhhhhh... (pause, quieter) Ohhh, hmmmm. (pause, very quiet) hmn. There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should have FADED TO BLACK. The evil associates look around the room, not knowing what to do with themselves. DR. EVIL Okay...Well...I think I'm going to watch some TV. EVIL ASSOCIATES Okay. Sure. They exit the frame awkwardly. INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN. There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks, etc. We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis. AUSTIN Hello, Exposition. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up to speed. Dr. Evil has high-jacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan and is holding the world ransom for one-hundred billion dollars. If the world doesn't pay up in four days, he's threatening to destroy the world. AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition. Only two things, scare me, and one is nuclear war. BASIL EXPOSITION What's the other? AUSTIN Excuse me? BASIL EXPOSITION What's the other thing you're scared of? AUSTIN Carnies. BASIL EXPOSITION What? AUSTIN Circus folk. (shudders) Nomads, you know. They smell like cabbage. BASIL EXPOSITION (suffering him) Indeed...If we could get back to the business at hand. It's one thing to have a warhead, it's quite another thing to have the missiles to launch it. AUSTIN Maybe these photographs are the last piece of that puzzle. (hands him the photos) I've uncovered the details on Project Vulcan. It's a new subterranean warhead delivery system. BASIL EXPOSITION Good God, and underground missile. We've long feared such a development. VANESSA When did you find that out, Austin? BASIL EXPOSITION Austin did some reconnaissance work at Alotta Fagina's penthouse last night. VANESSA Oh. BASIL EXPOSITON Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. Any ideas? VANESSA Yes, Virtucon runs a tour of their facilities every hour. I suggest we pose as tourists and do site-level reconnaissance. BASIL EXPOSITION Top drawer, Kensington. Oh, Austin, I want you to meet somebody. Basil waves to an extremely frail ELDERLY BRITISH LADY. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, this is my mother, Mrs. Exposition. She's in from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. Can you believe, she's ninety-two years old? Austin hauls off and PUNCHES the lady in the face. BASIL EXPOSITION My God, Austin, what have you done? AUSTIN That's not your mother, that's a man! Austin begins tugging on her hair. MRS. EXPOSITION Owww...my hair! BASIL EXPOSITION Get away from my mother! VANESSA Austin, have you gone mad? The two guards come over and help Mrs. Exposition to a cot. MRS. EXPOSITION (through pain) Who is that man? Why did he hit me? BASIL EXPOSIION Don't worry, mother. Lie down. Austin, you have a lot of explaining to do. AUSTIN I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man. BASIL EXPOSITION Damn it, man! You're talking about my mother! AUSTIN You must admit, she is rather mannish. No offense, but if that's a woman, it looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick. VANESSA Really, Austin! AUSTIN Look at her hands, baby! Those are carpenter's hands. BASIL EXPOSITION All right, Austin, I think you should go. AUSTIN I think if everyone were honest, they'd confess that the lady looks exactly like a man in drag. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm leaving! (pause) Oh, and Austin? AUSTIN Yes, Basil? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful. AUSTIN Thanks. Basil escorts his mother out. VANESSA Austin, may I have a word with you? AUSTIN Of course, luv. VANESSA Listen, I know I'm just being neurotic, but I can't shake this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary, Ms. Fagina. I mean, I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have some jealousy issues. You went to her penthouse. It makes me feel so small to give into these insecurities, but I can't help but feel this weird, irrational, unfocused...well, jealousy. I'm sorry. AUSTIN Don't be sorry. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her. I shagged her rotten. VANESSA (stunned) I can't believe you made love to her just like that. Did you use protection? AUSTIN Of course, I had my nine-millimeter automatic. VANESSA No, did you use a condom? AUSTIN Only sailors use condoms, man. VANESSA Not in the Nineties. AUSTIN Well they should, filthy beggars, they go from port to port. Alotta meant nothing to me. VANESSA (pause) Well, it means something to me. If you want us to have a relationship, you've got to be a one-woman man. AUSTIN It was just a shag, Vanessa. You're everything to me. VANESSA You just don't get it, do you, Austin? Good night. Welcome to the Nineties, you're going to be very lonely. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT MUSIC: "What the World Needs Now" by BURT BACHARACH Austin looks at his address book. ANGLE ON THE PAGE: We see a list of names crossed out, with comments written in beside them. Beside Jimi Hendrix we see "Deceased, Drugs"; Janis Joplin, "Deceased, Alco